Sunday, July 1, 2012

Love is an Indecent Proposal

It's hotter than balls here in New York, yet for some reason I'm preparing to ride my bike in this murder-heat to meet some friends at dba in Brooklyn. I am fortunate enough that I don't really sweat on my body too much so when I dismount, my clothes will just be lightly sprinkled with sweat. My face, on the other hand, will look like a large, rotund ice cube that was left out in the sun to melt to its death. As you can imagine, it's an incredibly sexy look that has all the boys running to get some. Appropriately, "Love is Like a Heat Wave" just started playing from my "Greatest 64 Motown Original Hits" record.

My sweat follies aside, I am currently in Stage Two of getting my boyfriend to propose. Stage One was letting him know that it was time for him to step up and get er done and I let that go on for 6 months. Since the window is closing (as I said I want to get engaged in 2012 but not in December because I already have enough going on in that month) and my ring finger remains unadorned, clearly it is time to step up my initiatives. There was a brief Stage 2.0 where I planned on pulling away and distancing myself but it is difficult when we share the same 280 sq ft apartment. Where the fuck am I supposed to do my distancing?

Now Stage 2(.1 technically) is constantly proposing to him in public places. It will always be in front of friends so everyone can share in the joy of my proposals. I've already told Boyfriend this plan and he said he will just keep saying no as a Real Man (TM) can never accept a proposal from a woman. My theory is that he will tire of my proposals and man up to end the madness.

My first attempt was at Tobacco Road in the Theater District where a dueling pianos show was happening. First off, this was pretty entertaining as the pianists take requests from the crowd (requests accompanied by varying bribes - with the higher bribes receiving first billing) and my first play was a $10 request dedicated to Channing Tatum of Shania Twain's instant classic "Man! I Feel Like a Woman." As soon as it was submitted my piano player put it on and I was SO PUMPED, even though the other piano player pointed out that people can usurp songs by placing a higher bribe during the song. Of course, no one usurped because, who would do that to Shania?? FYI, my dedication to Channing was not read. 

Anyway, later, I had my proposal idea and I wrote out a request for Meatloaf's schizophrenic love song, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," and scribbled "Boyfriend will you marry me?" in the dedication line. I attached nine singles, took off my oversize cocktail ring and had Boyfriend bring my request up to my piano player. The entertainer looked at it for an extra moment, tried to play it only to realize it was only for $9 and there were higher bribes waiting their turn. 

A couple songs went by and then the worst happened. A towering Korean dude placed a $50 request to take over the pianos for a song. In broken English, he explained that this song was for a girl in the audience who had rejected him six months earlier for "some bullshit." He said he hadn't practiced in awhile then broke out a lovely classical tune that was incredibly boring. Everyone clapped politely as the pianists returned to their posts. I was nervous that my romantic moment was preemptively usurped before it even had a chance to shine. 

My player started off with a little intro to Meatloaf; something along the lines of "and this is one of our favorite songs to play." I recognized the opening chords and clutched my cocktail ring in my hand, the petals from the bedazzled flower digging into my palm. Then, nothing. The song finished and he never read my dedication, just like Channing Tatum never received my first dedication. If I had actually expected something from this proposal, I probably would've been devastated but I was just mad that I had paid nine AMERICAN dollars for a palm imprint. 

So, my next proposal opportunity awaits. The best part about this is that now I have an excuse to always wear my cocktail rings.

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