As I've mentioned before, I'm trying to be healthier and lose weight but my main hobbies are drinking, eating and lounging. Not necessarily in that order and preferably all at once. Because of this, along with my Samoan genetics, I am currently at my fattest ever which is annoying in a city that is mostly filled with the slender and fashionable. While my preference for losing weight would be to just start doing coke and smoking cigarettes, I cannot afford the coke and smoking makes my entire body feel sick. Also, I'm that horrid kind of fat that is too big to squeeze into a tiny seat on a subway without having a cheek on someone's lap, but too small to qualify for any weight-loss surgeries.
So, I'm doing this the old fat-shioned weigh, with healthy food and exercise. I'm still super lazy and, foodwise, I like to bring frozen broccoli to work to cook up in the microwave. I LOVE broccoli so this was a clear solution for an easy, healthy lunch until one day, one of my superiors said, "Dear God, what are you making in there? It smells awful...like a sewage treatment plant." "It's broccoli!" I protested, shocked that it smelled terribly to someone else, but embarrassed, especially when I saw the looks of agreement from my other coworkers.
I stopped cooking the broccoli at work and started throwing it in the microwave at home, only to find that when I ate at my desk, it would stink up my mini office. "Hmm, it smells...interesting...in here today," a visiting coworker mentioned, hours after I had eaten my broccoli. Frustrated, I bought some Cherry Vanilla scented lotion which I immediately slather on after eating greenery. This worked wonders and became a popular scent amongst the dudes in my office.
Today, I made some kale chips before work for a healthy snack. I put them in a resealable bag, then wrapped them up in plastic bag and threw them in my purse. When I sat down on the subway, I heard the girls next to me pause their bubbly conversation.
"Oh my god," one said, "do you smell that?" she asked, turning towards her friend.
"Yeah, did you *fart*?" her friend replied, using the kind of whisper reserved for discussions of bodily functions by ladies in public.
"No," the first giggled, then paused. Out of the side of my eye, I saw her gently nod her head and shoulder toward me. "I think it was this woman next to me." They burst into hushed laughter.
Indeed, my kale chips emitted a smell exactly like a fart and I was now that person on the subway who smelled like a fart. Later, I was the person in the elevator who smelled like a fart. Plus, I have some beans for lunch which will probably result in actual farts. But, this is the price I pay for past indulgences.