"If you grabbed a guy's crotch, he would not be offended. He would be grateful!" a DJ friend of Slaw's declared earlier this week.
"I don't think that's true," I countered, "I think that guys would be offended but they just don't realize it because girls don't go around grabbing guys' dicks."
After arguing for a bit, and getting nowhere, I said that I would conduct an experiment and grab dudes' crotches. I would enact this experiment in front of everyone at Slaw's birthday party on Saturday.
Last night, as one of my friends reached his arm around me for a hug, it hit me that I was around a ton of guys, all of whom I was friends with! I reached my hand down and gave the hugger's crotch a gentle cupping."Whoa!" he said, throwing his hands in the air. "What is going on down there?"
"It is part of an experiment I'm running. I want to see if guys will be offended if you grab their dicks."
"Well, I liked it. Keep going with the experiment."
"So this is a positive response?"
"Yes, definitely positive."
Newly encouraged, I looked for my next participant and saw Smith Jzen Chou. I turned toward him and grabbed his crotch. "WHOA!" he said, this time much angrier than the previous participant."What, what, what... what are you doing?? You can't just go around grabbing guys' crotches! That is not okay."
"No, it's okay. It's part of an experiment I'm doing."
"What?! That does not make it okay!" and then he attempted to molest me to show me how me how it feels. I filed the result under "negative responses."
I knew that two wasn't going to be a fair number for the experiment so I moved on to my next target. My very mild friend, Dick, was giving out hugs as he was leaving so I walked over and slipped in for a goodbye hug. Then I grabbed his crotch.
"Oh, hey, whoa" he said, visibly shocked, "No, you can't..." he said as he walked away, his eyes confused. It was an expectantly mild response but still, I mentally filed it in the negative response category.
"Ugh," I lamented to Boyfriend a few moments later, "my crotch grabbing experiment is not going well."
"WHAT?! Are you grabbing dudes' crotches?!"
"No, it's cool. I'm just doing it to our friends. 'The Hugger' liked it! Dick and SJC had a negative response, though."
"You grab Dick's crotch?! No. You can't just grab our friends' crotches. The experiment is over."
"But I only have three people! That's not a good experiment. Just let me grab a few more crotches. I'll do it to strangers!"
And so that is how I determined that two out of every three guys do not like having their crotches randomly grabbed.