Friday, January 13, 2012

Prostitutes and Leprechauns

Decorative trees that lined a main street in Dublin
So it was New Year's Day and we were waking up from a night of debauchery. Since I am the responsible one, I woke up in my bed then went and woke Slaw in Scotland's bunk on another floor. We were going to take the train to Galway!

We went downstairs to the kitchen to take advantage of the toast and jam for breakfast and then decided to whip out the Scrabble board we saw and run a quick game before we started getting ready. Sometime during the game, this little Indian guy came up and asked, in broken English, if he could join us. "Ugh," I said, "Um, you know you have to play in English, right?" "Yeah, I'm good," he replied. "Sure, you can play," Slaw said.

So we continue playing and he is just putting down these completely ridiculous words. If you've ever played a board game with me, you know that I am strangely competitive and thus, cannot tolerate when someone fucks around. I mean, the guy wasn't even trying. He'd insist what he played was a word and when pressed for the definition, he would say something crazy and then start laughing. We'd deny the word and then he would protest and put down another series of nonsensical letters. Cue cycle.

Slaw was also getting annoyed and at one point, it became so absurd that we were like forget, we have to get ready... we're leaving today.

"Oh," he said, "Where you going?" He was so strange, we didn't want to answer him truthfully so we just said that we were going to another city, we're not sure which one.

"Okay." He turned toward Slaw, "Today, you with me."

"What? No, we're leaving," she said, confused. "I'm not going to be here."

"Okay, I think I've had enough. I'm going upstairs to get ready," I said, reaching my absurdity breaking point.

About three minutes after I'd gone upstairs, I hear Slaw yelling at him down the hallway. She was explaining that she was leaving and he could. not. come! I opened the door to look out and Slaw came barging in, with the little Indian close behind. I attempted to close the door behind her but couldn't because the twerp was pushing against me, trying to force his way in. He planted his foot in the opening, forcing the door to stay open a crack and I began slamming the door into his foot over and over. Meanwhile we were yelling, "LEAVE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! LEAVE HER ALONE!"

He finally moved his foot and I managed to close and lock the door. Then he began loudly knocking and yelling that he just wanted to talk to Slaw. Our roommates started to stir (it was around 8 AM so everyone was still feeling pretty ill), inquiring as to what was happening. One of the dudes yelled at the guy to leave and finally he did, though not before quietly standing at the door for a minute or so like a true creep.

Saadia explained that he had kept insisting that she was "going to be his for the day" and apologized for waking everyone and one of the girls said, "I know who you're talking about! He works here; he was part of the night staff." Obviously, this was going to make it more difficult to report him but we were determined to anyway. We lugged all of our baggage downstairs and checked out. While there, we started explaining the tale to the girl at the desk and suddenly, our tiny Indian friend appeared on the stairwell, just watching us. The girl apologized and said they would do something about it.

We went outside and started rehashing the utter strangeness of the incident. I hear the pitter-patter of quick, tiny, steps behind us and who appears but the tiny Indian!! "I so sorry. I ... confused," he said.

"Okay, thank you. Please just go away and don't talk to us," I replied, my tone cold as the wind that nipped our noses.

"No, you no understand. I see... last night. And I think. Today, mine."

"OKAY I DON'T CARE! SERIOUSLY, GO AWAY! I WILL CALL A POLICEMAN OVER!" (I have very little patience)

And that finally seemed to do it. He scurried away like only a ratty person can and he was gone. Slaw turned to me, abashed, and said, "Um, I think he thought I was a prostitute. Maybe because I'm Muslim and if I'm not being completely chaste, I am obviously a prostitute?" I died laughing. He had clearly seen her antics from the night before and thought, "Hey, I could use some poon myself today."

We continued on... I think Slaw actually went to meet up with a cousin or something and I went to an internet cafe. But then we met up at our common meeting ground - the O'Connell statue - and went to the train station.

I believe this was actually taken on January 1st, 2009
When we finally arrived at the station, we realized the next train to Galway wasn't for a few hours so we went into the station bar and got started on some delightful Bloody Mary's. On the second or third one, a man came in and sat down next to me.

"Happy New Year!" I cheerfully greeted him.

"Oy, Happy New Year," he grunted.

"Oh, um your face... is covered in blood. And... your shirt!" I stuttered, disturbed as I realized that he was speckled with blood nearly everywhere.

"Oh? Huh," he replied, as he looked down and surveyed the damage.

"Haha, rough New Year?" I said, nervous that I was sitting next to a man who would willingly beat me to a pulp then go to a bar right away.

"Huh. Yup." He said, then turned to the bartender, "Give me a Budweiser."

"I think you've had enough today," she said. (FYI, it was noon)

"Right," he agreed, then bolted up the stairs, clutching a paper sack. He ran into the bathroom and the bartenders gathered together, trying to determine what to do about this enigma of a man. They seemed to make a determination, with one of them starting up the stairs to confront him, and he came bursting out of the bathroom, singing!

Still holding his paper bag, he hopped by the bartender and skipped down the stairs, landing with an impressive twirl. Then his bag exploded. Dozens of shiny Euro coins went flying in every direction! He scrambled to pick them up - leaving some behind in his frenzy - and then gave a jolly shout, clicked his feet in the air like only a leprechaun can and escaped out the back door.

Everyone in the bar sat in disbelief for a moment, then started laughing and picking up whatever coins happened to land near their feet. An hour or so later, we finally got on the train and went to Galway, leaving what is still the strangest morning of my life behind.

Slaw sleeping one off on the train

I really know how to class up a train nap

No comments:

Post a Comment