Thursday, January 26, 2012

I Am Boring

I am dying here, guys. Seriously, I feel like my life has been SO BORING lately, which is why I haven't blogged. I mean (without going back and actually checking), I'm pretty sure my most interesting posts this year that weren't about the past were about biking! How horribly blah.

In order to combat this, I'm going to try to do a set thing every week where I put together a short post about something douchey I did the previous week. I am continually doing things that I realize might be a little douchey but in the end, they benefit me and you've gotta look out for number one, right? I will do these posts on Fridays and will come up with a name more clever than Douchebag Fridays.

And on the subject of biking, last night I had to bike to UPS in Maspeth by myself at night. I emphasize at night because this is an area that is chock-full of warehouses which everyone knows is a universally terrifying area to be when the sun goes down. On top of this, I had to ride Boyfriend's bike because I can't get my bike down from its hook. Once actually on the road, I ran into two problems:

  1. Boyfriend's bike seat is situated much higher than my own, causing me to hobble and swerve around on the road while trying to mount. Additionally, I could not garner the most power necessary while riding which brings me to...
  2. Boyfriend's minor gears are broken and despite this happening weeks ago, he hasn't gotten them fixed. Basically this means that he has three gears - Big 1, Big 2, Big 3. His bike does not shift between these three gears well. The gigantic hills that I had to conquer were not friends with my thighs.
But I managed to steer through the terror that is warehouses at night. I got to the UPS and handed the guy my slips (along with my ID and physical proof of address... they must have a problem with mistaken identities at UPS) and then Boyfriend called and our convo sounded something like this to everyone around me:

"Hey...yeah, I'm waiting for the guy to bring my package now. By the way, I could not ride your bike. I kept falling over!...Haha, yeah, not one of my best rides. Yes, I am picking up the hard drive so I should be able to put it in my backpack... okay, see you soon."

As soon as I hung up, I realized that the very thieves that UPS was trying to protect me from were probably listening to my convo and interpreting it as "Yes, I am a girl who is all alone and my main form of transportation is a bike upon which I am very unstable and I am carrying an expensive computer component in my backpack. I can easily be overtaken and robbed."

Fear punctured my cold, black heart. When I finally received my package, I glanced around furtively, stuffed it in my backpack and covered it with a belt and a swim cap that I happened to have in the bag- you know, to slow down the thieves - and ran through the parking lot (bike helmet still on). I got on my bike as quickly as possible, keeping my mount-swerves to a minimum, and peddled the long hill back home as fast as my too-short legs would go. They could not go very fast.

But somehow, despite everything, I made it out alive. To emphasize how impressive this is, I used a crime tool to show you how many robberies and rapes occur around this particular warehouse area:

I wrote "werehouses" to make it seem scarier
Okay, as you can see my fears were generally unfounded except for Grand and Page which apparently is a hot bed for robberies... 2 different thefts, 3 months apart? I will not be going over there since there is obviously some troll trying to get his troll toll.

So how am I to make my life more interesting? I can't really sleep around anymore because you know, I'm in a relationship and I live in a tiny apartment so I feel like Boyfriend would suspect something if I just asked him not to come into the bed cave. I can only get black-out wasted and completely absurd so many times a year without people being like come on, Bexxx, you're 25.  I reach out to Boyfriend for tips:

Note how little attention I get

More adventures is my solution, starting with drag bingo tonight. Hopefully something blog worthy is produced. Separately, I am also taking an informal poll of all of my male friends regarding this important situation:

Let's say you met a girl in an informal situation, gone on a date with her and subsequently invited her to a party at your place. Later you meet up again at a more formal work party/concert (yes, this is very specific but bear with me). On the date of the party/concert, you go home together for the first time. Prior to this you have not even made out but on this occasion, not only do you make out but she gives you head.

Question: By her pleasuring you orally, does this make her less slutty than if she had given up all her precious goods?

I responded that I don't think it matters... if he is going to think of you as slutty, it's too late once you give up anything. 

Boyfriend's response: 
   BF: neither one alone shows slutiness
if she had a reputation for giving a guaranteed blowjob, then the blowjob is slutty
or if she moves on to someone else in a night or two
me: ah gotcha
but just giving something up does not make her slutty
BF: but i wouldn't think "gee, i admire her self control by limiting herself to a blowjob"

My other dude friend's response
    M: I wouldn't say either was sluttier, but just getting a bj will probably make that guy still try to seal the deal    (which means more dates)
Tell your friend that it was very nice of her
It was probably much appreciated

So if anyone wants to weigh in in the comments, please feel free. Once the results are compiled, I will blog about them because this is very important research. Oh! One last thing. Snags, my ex-pat friend, suggested I start reviewing books. I'm also going to do this because it's a good idea and obviously I am desperate for content so leave any book suggestions as well. I love you, my precious few fans.

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