Thursday, October 27, 2011

An Asian Facial

There are a handful of drafts that I never published because I never finished writing them for whatever reason. This one is from back in April but I still love this story and so I present it to you now, complete with illustration.

Back in the day of my horrible CEO, I went to the gym to participate in a Zumba class during my lunch hour. This is besides the point but I am extremely uncoordinated and thus I tend to look ridiculous and oaf-like during Zumba. Picture a drunk, pigeon-toed gorilla doing N*Sync style moves and you'll get an idea of what I look like.

No one was surprised when the instructor yelled at me for tripping. 30 sets of eyes stared at me pitifully as she interrupted the middle of the class to scold me in a thick, Russian accent and yell at me to "MOVE BACK! MOVE BACK! MOVE BACK!" Since I was already next to the door, I had nowhere else to go so I just tried to be less of an intoxicated ape and focus on keeping my feet facing forward. It was unsuccessful and embarrassing.

Afterward, I had 5 minutes or so to freshen up before I had to walk back to work. I had recently purchased TRESemme Dry Shampoo (Do Not Use - really I do not recommend) for the purpose of blasting my hair after midday workouts. I was attempting to magically spray my hair clean but was having problems with the spray nozzle and wasn't really paying attention to what was actually going on.

I could feel my hand depressing the nozzle and I could hear the dry shampoo blasting, but I could not feel anything on my head. I looked up into the mirror and quickly realized the reason I couldn't feel anything was because I was blasting the goods over myself and directly into the eyes of the Asian woman standing next to me. It looked like exactly like this, including my mystifying spraying-while-hand-is-holding-the-bottle-not-the-nozzle trick:

Her eyes are closed in this picture, not slanted, you racist.

Instead of stopping immediately, like a normal person, I kept blasting away, just staring at her in shock like "Oh God! That must hurt terribly," while she clawed at her eyes. Eventually she yelled out, "Please stop!" though I have to judge her too because who doesn't just duck away?? Who keeps taking it?! I'm not saying she was a porn star but I am saying she may have taken some dicks to the face.

I pulled down the bottle and started awkward-loud laughing while apologizing and backing away. It was like "HA HA SORRY HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD... HA HAHAHAH HAHA SO SORRY! THAT WAS WEIRD AND FUNNY!" She finally stopped trying to get the gunk out of her eyes, looked up and afforded me a mean chuckle that I saw right through. I knew she was saying, "Bitch, you show yourself around these parts again and I will shove that canister right up your rump," with that laugh. Accordingly, I never went back to that Zumba class again and I only used that spray shampoo in emergencies, and in private.

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