Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Writing Everything I Feel to my Boss (Part 3)

Today I woke up at 11 AM because that's what time I set my alarm for which is a completely ridiculous feeling. It suggests the slightest responsibility only in that I do not want to sleep my whole day away but at the same time, it's so late in the day! Normally by this time, I am craving lunch and I've already eaten a breakfast sandwich and well on my way to my oversized office ass. Today, I'm gonna throw in some laundry, go to the gym, go tanning and live the Jersey Shore dream.

How did I get to this wonderful place? It was simpler than I realized. When I didn't get fired after I wrote a completely ridiculous letter to my boss or when I endured two meetings, one suicide inducing, I lost hope. I plugged along, each day growing more despondent, my eyes flat from hopelessness. I occasionally tried to make the best of it and I occasionally said I would just quit and be done with it all.

Then last Monday we got a new account representative for one of our vendors. One of my tasks was to manage the orders for half of the spas and so all of our vendors knew mostly myself and my coworker - not our relatively new, and surprisingly retarded Inventory Manager. I will call our simpleton Inventory Manager Risod because that's her name backwards. I despise her because she is the dumbest person I ever met and DEFINITELY lied to get her job.

So anyway, we got a new account manager and after she called to introduce herself, she mentioned that her vice president of something or other happened to be in NYC this week and could I meet him sometime to discuss our happiness with the vendor? Sure, I could do Wednesday morning.

With the meeting all set, I let my coworker who also did the spa orders know that the VP of whatever was coming and then promptly forgot about it until Wednesday, when I happened to be on the front desk. The man came in and I explained that I have to sit at the front desk every other day. My coworker and I directed him to our glass-walled conference room and he asked us how everything was going, where we were heading etc etc. Then he started to pull out products, which my coworker and I would have nothing to do with. I wanted to talk to him about getting a better discount so I let him keep going with his products.

I caught the President, the wife of our CEO, watching us through the window so I smiled at her reassuringly. Unreassured, she stormed into the room and asked what was going on. My coworker tried to explain but she interrupted and said "You are supposed to be answering the phones!" I explained I had the phone on loud ring so everyone could hear it and that it was being answered. She angrily replied, "No, not these people. These people are working."

That sealed the hate in my heart. I was told the receptionist thing was only temporary and that a new receptionist was being hired - any day now. It was like waiting in a locked basement and being told freedom was coming soon and I would blindly believe them. I told BF that this clearly showed that I was the garbage water in the trash bin that was my company.

Speechless, I continued on to the point I wanted to make - better discounts. He replied that he could absolutely do that and asked who that was who came in. We replied and the meeting continued for a hot minute until the Prez raged back in, eyes wild and angrier than ever.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I NEED TO KNOW." "Um, Prez, this is so-and-so and he came here to discuss -" "NO! YOU DO NOT TAKE THESE TYPES OF MEETINGS. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANSWERING THE PHONE." "Okay, but he was here to discuss our relationship -" "GEN AND ROSID ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THESE MEETINGS! GET BACK TO THE PHONE!"

I left the meeting, absolutely mortified, then came back to apologize to so-and-so. He was apologetic too and even tried to speak with Prez but she shot him away with a "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?" I explained to the guy that Rosid was a simpleton and I had no idea why she would want to be in there. He left soon after and my coworker and I bonded over the sheer horror of what happened. Our day miserably went on.

The next day I came in and was soon called in for a meeting with Prez and another VP of our company, as well as the HR Manager. I assumed they were going to fire me but instead, they were there to grill me about how the meeting happened. I gave them the above account and then Prez began to tell me her story. Apparently, she spoke with so-and-so vendor in the lobby of my building. He said that he called and had his assistant ask for the highest up person in the company so that he could present products. Obviously, this was not true because I would never represent myself as the highest up person. Like what would I say? Yes, you're speaking to her. BEXXX, SUPREME QUEEN OF THE COMPANY IS MY EXACT TITLE!

I restated my original position over and over, defending myself in every way possible. In every way possible, Prez told me I misrepresented myself and asked me why I never corrected him. After approximately 20 minutes of badgering, the meeting ended. Prez, VP and HR all exchanged an engaged, meaningful look. I recognized it from TV as "This bitch ain't gonna work. Let's waste her."

I went out with my coworker of war that night and she apparently had a meeting right before me. She shared her story with me and we got drunk and went to karaoke. We both decided to call in the next day, to encourage our firings. It was an amazing day. I hung out with my visiting friend and developed severe anxiety by Sunday. Even though I wanted it, I'd never been fired before - I had no idea what to expect.

Monday, I made it to work with a few minutes to spare and settled in to my routine. 15 minutes into the day, HR and VP called me in and said they were going to release me, and stated that I must not be surprised. Smiling, I said I wasn't. I'm not allowed to discuss specific details, but everything went swimmingly. Way better than I ever could've imagined. I collected the hot sauces that I kept in the office and walked away to my freedom. I wanted to sprint around the city singing Etta James' marital crooner "At Last" but make the lyrics about freedom. Like "AT LAST, MY COMPANY HAS FIRED ME. I WILL NEVER SUFFER THERE AGAIN." Picture me signing this at the top of my lungs, grabbing random strangers by the shoulders while I belt and then skip-spinning away to my next victim.

The lesson here, my employed friends, is to try to always take meetings that will end up embarrassing your Prez and then allow yourself to be her scapegoat. Suddenly, you'll end up on the state unemployment website, smiling while you file your claim and setting your alarm for 11 AM the next day. Living the good life.

BTW, I had my victory dinner at the Olive Garden and then bought Settlers of Catan. BEST DAY EVER!

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