Saturday, August 14, 2010

Tips on Small Talk

Today, my boyfriend's brother is getting married. It seems like only yesterday he was banging MehMeh in his smelly bedroom or making out with Rachel V in the corner of my basement. To be fair, MehMeh did want to crash the wedding wearing only a giant shirt (nothing else) that said "How could he fuck ME and fall in love with someone else?"

Alas, we were not able to put this together in time.

Rest assured I have already embarrassed myself enough for three weddings. I've been super drunk nearly every day I've been at my boyfriend's parents and I don't hide wastedness well. More importantly, I embarrassed myself in front of the family of the bride.

At the rehearsal dinner, her two Southern uncles were chatting with Boyfriend and I about their lives and blah blah blah other bullshitty small talk that I despise, whatever. One of them, Joel, mentioned that he works in the Naval Research Center in Mississippi and after I complimented him by saying that I found his job "fancy," I ran out of conversation. My next move, obviously, was go to the little storage center in my brain titled "Fun Facts that are Useful When Conversations Hit A Lull," and pull out the only one I knew about Mississippi.

"Now, Mississippi...that's the fattest state in the Union, right? It's either Mississippi or Alabama...but they're both pretty fat. No, no. It's definitely Mississippi."

While Boyfriend awkwardly laughed next to me, probably thanking Jesus for giving him such a resourceful girlfriend, I noticed that Uncle Joel had pressed his lips into a thin line and stretched his mouth in clear disapproval. He didn't say anything but raised his eyebrows and nodded his head, the polite Southern way of saying, "I recognize that you are speaking but you are such a jackass that I have nothing to say to you."

I recovered flawlessly, however, and followed my comment up with yet ANOTHER shining compliment.

"Well, you look pretty fit (gestures in the shape of the body) so it looks like you luckily escaped the fatness!"

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