Friday, August 6, 2010

The Time I Won 6 Million Dollars

My high school bff, Snags, and I had indulged in some marijuana cupcakes one fine spring afternoon. These weren't just any mj cupcakes, these were some of the finest ones I ever had. Not so strong that we were laying comatose on the bed but not so weak that we were sitting around waiting for a feeling that would never come.

So we ate the heavily laced, soft, mildly pungent chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and went to our school's baseball game. About 45 minutes in we were laughing hysterically at everything and realized that we could not longer be in public without rousing suspicion so we hitched a ride with this girl that we were KINDA friends with. We tried to play it cool but everyone who has ever been high knows that playing it cool usually ends up with awkward babble. Our conversations were just a series of nonsensical non-sequiturs until our driver happily threw us out on Snags' doorstep.

Snags had a baby sister who, like all babies, slept all the time. Her mom, like all mothers of babies, liked silence. So, when we went into her kitchen to grab some ginger ales, we knew that we had to be like little mice. We giddily tiptoed into the kitchen, quietly laughing about something that only people who are high think is funny, and opened the fridge. The ginger ale box was one of those long fridge-friendly boxes and on it was a gold-colored advertisement for a million dollar prize, if one found a gold can.

I grabbed a can and gasped. I had a gold can in my hand!

"OH MY GOD, SNAGS!" I emphatically whispered, "I HAVE A GOLD CAN. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD."

"What?! Oh my God...I can't believe this," Snags replied. Then she looked down at the can in her own hand and realized that, "OH MY GOD, I HAVE A GOLD CAN TOO!"

We stood in shock silently contemplating what we would do with our millions when, as the fridge boxes are sometimes prone to do, the rest of the cans started tumbling out. Trying to follow the rules of silence, we were bent over trying to catch the cans before they hit the floor. Still high as kites, we couldn't stop laughing at our good fortune and the ridiculousness of trying to keep a dozen cans from hitting the floor. That's when we noticed that all the cans were gold.


We leaped and skipped for a hot minute until we realized that there is no way they would put twelve gold cans in one ginger ale box. Fuck. We looked closer at our cans and realized that all of the cans were just HALF gold for the same advertisement that was on the box.

So that's why I just applied for unemployment yesterday instead of lounging on my beach front property that I bought with my ginger ale millions. FML.

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