Thursday, August 19, 2010

My First STI

Or STD for those of you who aren't up on your disease slang. STI stands for Sexually Transmitted Infection. And this story is gross, but it isn't technically about an STI in the classic sense.

I just graduated from high school and was at a COLLEGE party on my hometown's equivalent of Frat Row (really just a bunch of shitty houses all on the same street). I was brewed up a plenty and was flirting with my high school obsession (who also happened to be the person whose AIM I intermittently hacked), certain the flirting was going to take a turn to sexy time. After we made out a little, he led me outside where we tried to find a place to bone that was at least reasonably secluded.

Sidebar: We had hooked up in all sorts of not so reasonably secluded places because we were hornball teenagers and had little to no morals or discretion.

We finally settled on a place next to one of the official college buildings that was half-covered by bushes. If you were at the party, you would not be able to see us but if you were driving by on the main street that was about 50 yards away, you definitely could. OH WELL.

So we boned. I rejected missionary because the ground was hurting my back. We finally settled on Girl On Top because then I could be in control of any pain and my knees had practically developed callouses from the litany of blow jobs I gave. (JK. Kinda. LOL.) He was drunk and never came so eventually we wrapped it up and I brushed the dirt off my knees and we called it a night. I caught a cab back to my place and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and my knees were TORE UP. So I rinsed them off and put some bandages on them and went about my youthful business.

Originally, I said I just graduated high school but I just remembered that I was still IN high school. This is crucial to the story because when I went back to school on Monday my knees were itching something fierce and I went to the nurse. I explained the itching and peeled my jeans back to reveal my bandages. I slowly pried off my bandages, each centimeter burning more than the last to unveil what lay beneath:

Well it wasn't quite like this because I just lifted this picture from the internet. It was worse. Much worse. And bigger. So like this picture times, let's say 5. It reeked and burned beyond anything a knee should ever burn or smell of. There were fresh, juicy boils on every inch of my already scarred knee. And they were on both of them.

The school nurse blanched and recoiled in disgust. "OH MY GOD. How did this happen??"

Fuck. I knew I had to think quickly and I knew that "I was partaking on some lovely girl on top on that beautiful field next to the college behind some bountiful bushes and was too drunk to properly clean myself" probably wouldn't cut it.

"Well, I was playing some frisbee with my friends...but at night! and I'm very passionate about winning and putting my all into everything so when I knew a pass was going to fall short, I bounded into the air, caught it! and landed on my knees, skidding them terribly. The ground was like...tarmac. Rough tarmac. You know the kind that hasn't been plowed in awhile? Just like that. Then I was like, wicked tired so I went home and just went right to bed!"

She seemed to buy it, albeit dubiously, and she immediately called my mommy to come pick me up and bring me to my pediatrician. Over and over, I told my story of valor and triumph, with painful ending and no one questioned it but I felt like no one totally believed me either. The doctor even took pictures because my knees were so repulsive! (I wonder if those are in my permanent file?) It turned out I had a bad staph infection so he put me on some antibiotics and said I had to wash myself with iodine soap.

Because it's not like me to be shameful, I proudly went back to school the next day and showed everyone in my Microbiology class my active and vicious staph infection. We joked about taking samples of it and putting it on the petri dishes but no one actually did because no one wanted to get close to me. I did learn that one should always wear protection when having outdoor sex which is why I now keep kneepads in my purse for those quick fucks on the go.

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