Once, Boyfriend and I got into a drunken fight and went our separate ways in the Lower East Side. He left the bar to go to the subway and I left with MehMeh to catch a cab back to my apartment. I was complaining away about him in the cab when I looked down at my phone to see that I was receiving a call from him. Psh, ignore, I thought to myself and continued about my complaining.
But he was persistent. He called me twice more until I picked up, furious.
"B! You have my wallet! I can't get on the subway!"
"Whaa? Why don'tchu jus' buy another metro card?" I slurred.
"YOU HAVE EVERYTHING! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE! I CAN'T EVEN GET A CAB!"
"Well...you shoulda thought 'bout that bafore you yelled atchme."
"Bexxx. Can you just come meet me and give me my wallet? PLEASE!"
"Okay, fine. Whure are you?"
"I'm on the corner of Rutgers and Canal."
"K. Ahll be right thure."
I turned to the cabbie and gave him my request, apologizing for the change in route. MehMeh pleaded with me to ignore Boyfriend saying, "He left you! You don't owe him anything!" But I knew that I had to protect my man, even if he was being a dick at the time.
I sat back and pondered whether I would let Boyfriend come back to the apartment with me. Did he deserve it? Did I want the company? What exactly were we fighting about any -
"Miss! Miss!" the cabbie yelled in a thick Jamaican accent.
"Uh, yesh?" I replied as I sat up and blearily took stock of my surroundings. We seemed to be at some sort of end point of Manhattan, surrounded by construction, water and fallen buildings. Boyfriend was nowhere in sight.
"Dis is da end of Canal Street! Where iz ya boyfrien'!?"
"No! This is not where we are supposed to be! Canal and Rutgers! It's near [the bar we were at]. It must be the other way on Canal Street."
"Dere iz no udder way!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! CANAL STREET IS A TWO WAY STREET! YOU ARE A CABBIE! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?!?! DO YOUR JOB!"
"Fine, I will turn around!"
So he turned around and started going the other way down Canal Street but he was mumbling complaints the whole time. My drunken eyes couldn't make out any of the street signs so I had no idea if we were close or on the complete wrong side of the city. What I could see was that our fare was going up because this cabbie didn't know how to drive around the very city he should know like the back of his hand. Then I got another call from Boyfriend.
"Where are you??"
"I'm on Canal Street somewhere BECAUSE THIS FUCKING CABBIE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GET AROUND MANHATTAN!"
"What?!? I am at a main intersection! Canal and Rutgers!"
"I know!! I told him that BUT HE'S SO FUCKING STUPID THAT HE CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THAT CANAL IS A TWO WAY!"
Obviously the parts where I am yelling, I was directing it to my poor cabbie victim. Probably what inspired him to pull over, get out of the cab, open my door and say,
"Wait, what? Why?" Into the phone: "Hold on, I think we are getting kicked out."
"Because you are rude and do not know where you are going."
"I don't know where I'M going?? THIS IS YOUR - ugh whatever. Fine. You'd never get us there anyway." Into the phone: "I'll call you back. We have to get another cab that doesn't have an idiot for a driver."
So MehMeh and I stepped out of the cab and onto the sidewalk, about two blocks away from the dystopian end of Canal Street. The cab peeled out and speed away.
"Fuck," my mind drunkenly thought, "We are probably on some 'cabbie blacklist' now. How in the name of Mary, Jesus and Joseph are we going to get home NOW?"
Seconds after our ejection, MehMeh hailed another cab. "YES!" I thought, "this cabbie doesn't seem to realize we're blacklisted yet!" and climbed heel after ridiculous heel into the cab and addressed our new driver with sugar in my voice.
"I'm sorry but we're actually going to have to make two stops. We're going to Rutgers and Canal in the Lower East Side first and then to Astoria." The cabbie nodded and we were on our way.
I again sat back and relaxed, closing my eyes in assumption that the cabbie would wake me up when we were at the first stop. But no, instead I woke up and we had gone right back to where we started.
"Why are we here? This is where you picked us up!"
"I went up and down Canal... there is no Rutgers and Canal. They do not intersect!" my now Indian cabbie said.
"What? Are you serious! UGH! Give me a second please." I began to feel guilty about the other cabbie and dialed Boyfriend.
"WHERE ARE YOU?! THE CABBIE SAYS CANAL AND RUTGERS DOESN'T EXIST!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE LOOKING AT A SIGN THAT SAYS CANAL AND RUTGERS!"
"STOP YELLING! Are there any other landmarks around you?"
"LANDMARKS!? What do you mean??" he pleaded.
"I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING OTHER THAN A STREET SIGN!" I replied sarcastically.
"Ahhhhh! I don't see anything, just buildings! Oh wait! I'm next to an F train stop! The East Broadway F train stop!"
"Okay! Finally! Was that so hard? We'll be right there."
I turned once again to my new idiotic cabbie. "Okay, we're going to the East Broadway stop on the F train. It's on Canal Street. So can you just drive down Canal Street until we see an F train stop?"
He began driving again without words. I again tried to watch out the window but still my drunken eyes could not make out any of the scenery as it whipped by. Once again, I put my faith in the cabbie. Once again, I was thrown out. Similar reasons...he couldn't find the stop, I called him an idiot and said he couldn't do his job...you know. The usual. By now, MehMeh was getting furious at me too, demanding that we just leave Boyfriend to the streets of NYC, saying that he could fend for himself. I was close to agreeing, especially since he had his phone and could have figured something out.
But I plugged on and caught one more cab because I am an extremely understanding, compassionate and forgiving person. I politely gave the newest cabbie all the necessary information and surprisingly, this cabbie had no problem getting me to where I wanted to be. I met up with Boyfriend and he yelled about how he had been standing there THE WHOLE TIME and I placated him and explained (quietly, because I didn't want this cabbie to look me up on the black list) how we had multiple simpleton cabbies who racked up about $20 each in fares looking for him, only to throw us out.
On the way back to Astoria, we all fell asleep but the cabbie woke us up when we got to our destination. I looked around and sighed,
"No, this isn't where I told you to bring us. Go up five blocks and make a left then down two streets. Jeez Louise, can any of you people do your job?!"