Thursday, July 15, 2010

What's the Definition of TMI?

I love Brazilians. Not the people, although 90% of them are sexy as fuck. And I bet great in bed. Although, probably creepy too. Anyway, I mean the soul-tearing, tear-inducing, full vajayjay, Brazilian wax.

Women are terrified yet intrigued by the thought of brutally getting all of their hair ripped out of their precious ladies. Dudes love it, however, and it really is totally worth it. Leaves no razor burn and the hair grows back way more lady-like.

When I first got a Brazilian, I was underage (is that illegal? Did I pay to get myself molested??) and I went with three of my best friends. One of them, Ariel, made awkward small talk. "So, do I have coarser hair down there than most people?" She was assured that no, she did not. Most Italian women did.

Awkwardness aside, with all my twat waxes, my lady has been stripped by all sorts of different women, all of their styles easily categorized by race. For your convenience, I created a handy guide so that you may know what you're getting:

White woman don't know shit about waxing your precious temple. The problem is that they don't have to wax your chach to survive. You know they have some man at home taking care of their ass and this is just the money they use for shopping. If they break some blood vessels or pull some skin (and believe me, I suffered both and more), eh no big. They'll be able to take their creamy white skin and get business somewhere else. The good part about whites is they'll make you feel comfortable. Candles, soothing music, sweet talking you. White people are always so polite.

Asians are master waxers. They are also fucking terrifying. You will feel as though you are being waxed by an impersonal robot with creepily white skin and slits for eyes. Every word screeched is an angry command and be warned that if you ask what they said (because who can understand these people?), you will get bitch slapped. Despite your newly lowered self-esteem, you will walk out with a Playboy-ready poinsettia, ready for show.

Indian woman are behind every waxing curtain that promises a $30 or less wax. If you don't mind a few insults about your hair, body, or general person, it is really the race to hit up for a cheap wax. Pakistanis and Egyptians will also suffice. Plus they'll wax your ass. Not just your crack (all the races except whites do that) but your cheeks too, leaving you with the literal feel of a baby's bottom. I couldn't keep my hands off it the first time!

And my personal favorite, Russians. As annoying as they are as people, they really mastered waxing and the waxing experience. Efficient yet gentle. Strict yet soft. And they are perfectionists. They will explain every step to you, their normally abrasive accent now song-like and informative. Russians, unfortunately, harbor expensive taste with all the coke, fur coats and premium vodka they purchase daily. Their habits will cost you a premium but your Anna Karenina will thank you. When you walk out, you'll be so pleased that you'll be ready to get your creep on immediately!

So take that razor mangled vajayjay and treat her to some painful pampering. Don't be afraid to call the place and ask them what race their waxer is! You, and your next conquest, are worth it.

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