Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Upstate Family Ties

I quit my internship. I can't even believe I thought it would be a good idea in the first place. They made it sound like it would be all hands on all the time but instead I was doing extensive bitch work. Duh! That's what being an intern is. Taking that internship was my second biggest mistake of 2010.

In other news, I went back to my hometown this weekend to hang out with my brother-cousin. Sounds gross and totally Upstate New York, right?

It kinda is.

When my mom was nineteen she had an out-of-wedlock child. Because she was an early '80's hotmess, she wasn't ready to give any needy succubus the attention it duly deserved. My uncle, David, 12 years my mom's senior, was married and childless at the time and offered to take my mom's kid off her hands. Until I was eight, I believed that Eric was only my cousin until my mom confessed her premarital sins to me. So he became my brother-cousin.

I successfully shoved this skeleton to the back of my closet for about 15 years. It was easy since my family never spoke to my uncle's family because my mom hates my Aunt Mary Jane (my uncle's wife). Two weeks ago, however, my brother-cousin and my mom got in contact with each other and decided we should all meet up and be a real family. He had already gotten in contact with his birth father's family so it only seemed right.

We hung out, got to know each other, played board games and video games and drank beer (sidebar: I bought 36 Coors Lights for $24.99 and it came in a reusable NASCAR cooler bag!!!). It was all fine and dandy but it's also weird. Everyone refers to him as "my brother" but to me he was always my cousin so I can't just let him jump the line to BROTHER. I have a very distinct "oldest child" personality. I was the one who had to take care of my siblings growing up; brushing their teeth, reading bedtime stories, wiping their asses (yes, I did have a very tortured childhood). To me, I have no older sibling...only two whiny younger ones.

Plus, what am I supposed to say when someone asks me how many siblings I have? Thank you for asking...I actually have a brother, a sister and a brother-cousin! Or - I have a brother and a sister that I grew up with and then a secret brother that I just found out about! Actually, both of those sound pretty good for starting out awkwardly, always an interest of mine.

One highlight from the trip - We went to go get Michigan's at a local Michigan stand and Boyfriend ordered Poutine as a side dish. My mom glanced it at jealously and said, "Mmmm...that pooTANG looks good." My 15 year old brother opened his eyes in shock behind my mom's back so I knew that I had to advise her of her flaw in front of everyone.

"Mommy, it's pouTINE. Pootang is a slur for a woman's vagina."

You'd think with how much my mom has clearly been around the block that she'd be aware of that one.

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