Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Roberto Moses

In an effort take my racial ambiguity to the next level, I've been hitting up Robert Moses beach with MehMeh to get my tan on. Although Robert Moses was a notorious racist and a reckless destroyer of historical neighborhoods, he has one fly-ass beach named after him.

Last weekend, MehMeh packed us a cooler of light beer and we had us a good ol' Sunday Funday in the sweet, beachy sun. The waves were big, the girls around us were uglier than us and we were tanning nicely. All in all, everything was going swimmingly.

While we were lounging and gossiping, MehMeh would occasionally exclaim, "I can't believe we're going to drink all this beer! This is great!" even though we only had ten beers total.

After we leisure drank four beers a piece, we attracted some vermin. A roughly 6'3, 150 lb, 17 year old kid came over and squeezed himself in the foot wide space between MehMeh and me. We stare and him and his puka shell-adorned neck in shock. Why the fudge was this scrawny white kid sandwiched twixt us and who the fudge still wears puka shells?!?

"Ladies, I heard you talking before about how you have tons of extra beer that you don't know what to do with."

"Uh, no. We know what to do with it."

"Oh, so you don't have any that you can spare?"


"I can trade you...I have drugs."

This piqued our interest. I noticed that his eyes were red as Santa's suit and deduced he was probably high...on marijuana.

"Oh yeah?" MehMeh inquired, "what kind of drugs? You got some ganja?"

"Nope. Something better!"

"What then?" I asked, "and how old are you anyway?"

"I'm ...19."

"So you're probably 17 then."


"Well get out of here. You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that to get alcohol. You're gonna have a rough couple of years ahead of you if these are your moves."

"Not as hard as you think, I guess," he mumbled as he scampered back to his spot, a mere ten feet diagonal from our own. We watched as he tried to squeeze the last drops from a yellow FourLoko (the most disgusting drink of all time)and make multiple unanswered phone calls. Awkward.

A few minutes after our encounter, his friends came back from the water to join him. There were three of them consisting of: a round girl, a 5'3 Jewish-looking guy, and a general little dude. Puka Shell starts informing them that he cannot get hold of a "Roberto" and is worried that he will not get his money. Tiny Jew suggests they go and beat him up, but Puka Shell was concerned that he may end up kicking Roberto's ass and then he doesn't have any money on him.

But wait! Puka Shell's idea light bulb pops up! What if Tiny Jew somehow baits Roberto to walk out of his apartment, pockets loaded with cash and drugs? Then Puka could jump him and Tiny Jew could help!

They spent about 10 minutes concocting this plan while MehMeh and I roll in the sand, blatantly laughing hysterically at them. Round Girl occasionally encouraged them with classic white trash phrases such as, "FUCK YEAH I WANNA SEE A FIGHT!" and, "He NEEDS to get his ass BEAT!" and General Little Dude cleverly interjected with, "I feel like you guys don't think I can fight but you haven't seen what I can do with my knees!"

Ah, General Little Dude...I think you just created my new pick up line.

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