Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Uterus is Not a Home

People are always appalled that I don't want to have children, as though I'm doing the world a huge disservice by not harvesting parasites in my womb. Although I understand, considering my stunningly good looks, why someone might think this, it is endlessly aggravating. Thus, I have compiled a short list of my likes and dislikes which may better explain my reasons to remain childless.

Likes:

Drinking
Traveling
Spontaneity
Sleeping through the night
Money
Parties, with copious amounts of alcohol
Fitting into clothes
Sunday brunch
Silence/alone time
Being selfish
Sex


Dislikes:

Responsibility
Mangled vaginas
Being bothered with the nonsensical stories of small children
Poop
Crying
Carrying people
Caring for others
Barf
Diapers
Graduation ceremonies
Queefing
The Blowfish

The Blowfish is a child I fear having with my current boyfriend. Based on genetics, it is likely that we would have an overweight, yellowish child with jacked up teeth, huge lips and acne. This poor thing could also have straggly hair and/or glasses. It is statistically proven that most blowfish-style children go on to become rapists or serial killers. Maybe now you appreciate why I'm reaching for another gin and tonic and not a bottle of horse fertility pills.

*Sidebar: I wholly respect women who decide to have children. And I don't COMPLETELY hate kids, just mostly.

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