Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Natural Instincts

After the slamming debacle, I was reluctant to cure my broken heart with sex. I still wanted to drink it away and frequently ended up at the local steakhouse-by-day-dive-bar-by-night, The Steer. One particular night I ended up attracting the only black guy in the bar. Although The Steer was mainly the jump off for white, popped collar, fratty douches, somehow this guy slipped in. Because I am darkish and bootylicious, black guys love me, explaining why the only one immediately attached himself to me.

I was pretty drunk by the time this happened so the details are fuzzy. I remember I decided to leave and he wouldn't leave me be. I trusted him enough so I let him walk me the two blocks home. When I got home, he just kinda slipped in the door with me. I kept saying, "listen you have to leave, you have to leave", but he did not...I can't remember his excuses. I lived with 4 guys, 3 of whom were "hockey players," so I was confident that if anything did happen, someone would come.

Since he refused my leave requests, I decided to pretend to pass out on the couch. It's the lesser know "feign" of the fight or flight response. I figured once I was passed out he would lose interest and leave. Instead...he kissed me. I immediately leaped up and started yelling, "WHAT THE FUCK! I WASN'T ACTUALLY PASSED OUT; I WAS FAKING!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK YOU COULD KISS ME, YOU PSYCHO?! LEAVE MY GODDAMNED HOUSE RIGHT NOW!!"

Then I slipped into flight mode and ran up the stairs to the second level, pressing myself against the wall and listening for him to leave so I could lock the door behind him. Imagine my surprise when he calmly walked up behind me and started to explain himself. "I didn't realize you were passed out," he began. I cut him off with a swift right hook to the face, completing my transition to fight mode. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? GET THE FUCK OUT!!" He stood there, stunned, stuttering some nonsense so I slapped him with my left hand (for some reason, this is my bigger, more powerful hand - better for slapping) and shouted some insults, probably racially based and hilarious.

Since all of my hockey-playing roommates were actually passed out from chugging pints of vodka earlier, none of them were stirring from my rage. Finally, my tiniest, non-hockey roommate came out and asked what was going on. I tearfully explained that this guy had just lipped me while I was fake passed out to which he defended, "Yo, this bitch is crazy!" Tiny Roomie plainly said, "Then dude, get the fuck out."

My offender finally began the walk out saying, "I was leaving anyway." I apologized to Tiny Roomie (with whom I had hooked up with in the past, fun fact!) and went safely to bed. From that day on I never agreed to a walking partner and I abandoned "feign" as a drunken defense. I also thanked our sweet Lord for protecting me every day, as each of you should do now. Praise Jesus!

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