Wednesday, June 23, 2010

If You Think I'm a Hotmess, You Should See My Friends

During my first semester at college my only friends were these two horrid huge girls. They would make a gigantic pan of five cheese dip, dunk Ritz Crackers in it, and eat the whole thing in one sitting. Being friends with them was embarrassing. Thankfully, I eventually pissed one of them off (a story for another time) and the friendship ceased. Around the same time, I became friends with Slaw and MehMeh (older sister of previously mentioned ShaSha). They were Sophomores (I was a Freshman) and well-known hot messes. I didn't know it at the time but the previous year they had both made trips to the hospital for intoxication, a sure sign of someone who knows how to have a good time. Since they were also thin and hot, they were just the kind of friends I was looking for.

Before they met me, they were known in their group as the Twin Tornadoes; little twisters of drunk debauchery. I didn't fully appreciate how they earned this title until I saw them in action one night at a friend's "house party." I write "house party" sarcastically because there were about ten people there when we finally showed up, ten people who belonged to a satellite friend group. They were not prepared for the disaster that was about to hit them.

We pregamed in Slaw and MehMeh's dorm room, drinking beers purchased with a fake ID since we were all well under 21. After copious amounts of drinking games and what not, we continued our party on the UB Stampede. The Stampede was a bus that connected the two UB campuses and seemed not to have any regulations when it came to drinking. This was also the era of the coolest Stampede driver ever; a black guy who would yell over the sound system, "WHO IS GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT? WOOO!" and other encouraging phrases while he blasted rap music and turned down the lights. It was quite absurd. You can understand that by the time we actually got to our destination, we were stumblely and babblely drunks.

We entered the low-key gathering cheering and throwing around Keystone Lights. The mostly sober attendees didn't know how to handle us. I, sensing the awkwardness, sobered up and realized I would have to do damage control. MehMeh and Slaw, sensing the soberness, did shots and tried to rally the crowd. While a couple of people joined them in endless brandless tequila shots, their efforts were mostly rejected. Soon they became inevitably wasted and this is where the real story starts.

MehMeh wanted to stay and flirt with her former boyfriend, Chuck. Though before this night she found his blandness and receding hairline repulsive, 20 or so drinks will change anyone's mind. I was desperately trying to make her leave but she brought me to the living room and explained to me that she was still in love with Chuck and needed to make him see that. Then she caught sight of the famed Pink Floyd "Back Catalogue" poster and ripped it off the wall, saying how much she loved that poster. Appalled, I decided it would be best to try to force her out. She broke away and sprinted the six feet back to the kitchen and resumed her place with Chuck. I gave up and resumed flirting with a bump-nosed Engineering major that I had met earlier. Two minutes later, I looked over and MehMeh had wet her pants. Her ass was soaked and the space between her legs, from her crotch to her ankles, was darkened with urine. She seemed not to notice. Now truly disgusted, I walked over and ferociously whispered in her ear, "MehMeh, you wet your pants! We HAVE to go now."

"Shh," she replied, "No one knows. I can't leave Chuck now. I think he's going to go home with me!"

"MehMeh, everyone knows. He won't go home with you because your pants are wet."

After extensive protests, she eventually agreed to leave. I gathered Slaw from the corner where she was play wrestling with some random guy and coerced my new engineering friend into giving us a ride home. He parked about a block down the road so I was certain I would be able to corral the Tornadoes without a problem. Of course, I was wrong. As soon as we walked out the door, Slaw slipped down the steps. Furious, she let no one help her and started stomping down the middle of the road. Two houses down from the party, MehMeh decided to go pee outside (no idea how she still had anything left) and started doing her business next to a strange house, in clear view of any passing cars. While she did this Future Engineer made a call to his friend Melanie. He kept saying Melanie's name and MehMeh thought he was trying to address her. Exasperated, she started yelling, "MY NAME IS MEHMEH! MY NAME IS MEHMEH!!!" while still trying to pee. He didn't hear her, or chose to ignore her, and kept addressing his friend by name. Infuriated, MehMeh started repeatdly slamming her head into the siding of her chosen pee house and SCREAMING that her name was MehMeh. I wanted to help, but I was paralyzed with laughter and eventually she stopped peeing and we moved on.

Meanwhile, Slaw was still straddling the double yellow lines as cars whizzed by her. Unfazed, and still furious from before, she yelled from MehMeh to come join her and started walking in the complete wrong direction. I yelled for them to follow me but MehMeh yelled back, "No! We have to follow Slaw, she knows what she's doing!" Cars honked as the two terrors attempted to cross the street. Seeing that they would not survive without force, I grabbed both of them and pulled them to Future Engineer's car while they giggled like retards. We finally made it there and FE laid newspaper down in back for MehMeh to sit on like a dog. After singing some Journey, they finally passed out and we made the remainder of the 20 minute car ride in peace.

I directed FE to drop us off at the back entrance of our building -we would normally get dropped off at the front loop- because that's where the elevator was and I knew I wouldn't be able to get the tequila-filled children up the stairs. When MehMeh woke up and saw that she was not at the front of our dorm, she became enraged. "NO!" she yelled "YOU TURN AROUND AND YOU TAKE US TO THE PORTER LOOP YOU FUCKING DUMBASS! HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN BEFORE?! DO IT NOW!" Slaw chimed in with her own thoughts, "WE ALWAYS GET DROPPED OFF AT THE LOOP! WHERE DID YOU EVEN TAKE US, PSYCHO??" He looked at me, baffled, and I tried to simultaneously assure everyone that this is where we should be. "Look guys! We get to ride the escalator this way!" Excited by the prospect of taking the elevator to their second floor room, they darted out of the car and across the field to the entrance. Then they both slipped on the muddied ground. Landing on their asses (MehMeh) and stomachs (Slaw), they began to holler and writhe in pain. It was not unlike watching cartoon pigs roll and snort in pleasure in some fresh mud. Repulsive and yet hilarious. I eventually got them up, inside, and to the door of their room when they both revealed that they had lost their keys.

Exhausted, I made my new piss and mud covered friends sit on the ground while I futilely searched their belongings for keys. MehMeh immediately began crying and yelling that she still loved Chuck. Feeling her pain, Slaw began crying and screeching "I know, MehMeh, I KNOWWWWWWWWW!" I assessed the disastrous scene then went down the hall to get their RA to let them in the room. He was not at all surprised to see them in such a state and he let them in and left me to care for them. I tried to get them in PJs, but managed only to get Slaw in a shirt and undies and MehMeh completely bottomless. No undies or anything. Slaw crawled into bed and in a sweet, baby voice requested I tell her a "once upon a time." I refused and she began telling her own "once upon a time" with some drivel about dinosaurs and princesses. MehMeh, meanwhile was struggling to get into her raised bed, still bottomless. She shoved her bare, piss-covered, flat-as-the-Midwest, ass in my face as I used my hands under her feet to boost her. It was while I was ass to face that the super fun Super Senior from my floor came into their room to ask me if I wanted to smoke hookah in his dorm. Shocked at the scene, he turned away, but I quickly slammed her into bed, haphazardly covered her, and accepted the invitation. Then she rolled over and puked. I assured him that she could deal with that in the morning and followed him up to the fourth floor.

The next day, as I regaled them with their tale of ridiculousness, they sat in sunglasses popping Vicodins and funnelling bagels. I knew in that moment that I had found two friends for life, despite me leaving one of them to clean her own puke so I could smoke shisha. I'm only human, after all.

No comments:

Post a Comment