Friday, June 18, 2010

Memories of The Oregon Trail

After my vicious dumping and a few weeks of no GOOD sex, I knew it was time to get a fuck buddy. I was not emotionally ready for a relationship but I was in need of a decent lay. Obviously, I’m not counting the blind thrashing I got from my ex-neighbor (Z), whom I actively avoided after that. (Fun Fact: The next day Slaw said to me, “So have you talked to Z yet?” I replied, “Who is Z??” I guess that shows how quickly I blocked the incident out of my mind.)

So I went with ShaSha back to our old stomping grounds, The Steer. We happened to be rolling deep with a bunch of douchey soccer players; not my usual type of guy but I was willing to branch out and give it a shot. As the night went on, I grew particularly interested in one of the players. He was only 5’9ish, so WAY shorter than my normal limit of 6 feet but I was desperate and, surprisingly, there are not many guys taller than 6 feet. He had really long lashes and nice lips, so I graced him with a bar make out (not even close to my first one that year, but whatever). After many more shots, I finally accepted his incessant invitations to go back to his place and hopped in a cab (I may or may not have flirted with the cabbie the whole ride and he may or may not have slipped a nugget of marijuana to me).

When we got to his house, we made out for a bit and he tried to go “downtown.” I wasn’t ready for that type of intimacy, so I urged him to continue making out while I debated in my head what was going to happen. Finally, I decided that we would just have sex and be done with the whole thing... I would get my fix and never have to see him again. I conveyed this through a series of tugs and soon his pants were off and his junk exposed. Let me say here that I hooked up with at least two guys with uncircumcised junks. I, unlike many girls my age, am not afraid of a doo-wop that still has its top hat. What he presented, however, was different than anything I had ever seen. For your convenience, I have drawn a picture (to scale).Not only was it the second smallest erection I had ever seen (the smallest was LITERALLY the size of my pinky. I thought it was a joke penis when I first saw it), but it had this confusing built in reservoir tip. All I could think of was the game Oregon Trail and the point in the game when you got to Chimney Rock. I remember thinking, “Does this guy get any action with this Chimney Rock dick?” But what I said was, “No. No. No. No. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Oh my god, I can’t do this.” All while locking my eyes on his strange penis. He tried bartering with me, promising me the best oral sex I could imagine. I kept reiterating, “I have to go home, I have to go home, I have to go home. I can’t do this. I REALLY can NOT do THIS,” never ever taking my eyes off of Chimney Rock Dick. I finally averted my gaze, grabbed my clothes and began my departure, planning to throw up as soon as I exited. As I left, he begged me not to tell anyone what had happened. I assured him that since we generally did not share the same group of friends, it would never get out and he had nothing to worry about.

*Real Chimney Rock*

You can imagine my surprise when the following Monday, he came into my 200 person class and sat right down next to me. I turned to him, not realizing at first who he was, and we shared shock as we mutually recognized each other. I sat, jaw dropped and he wordlessly grabbed his stuff and completely left the classroom. I wish I could say that he dropped the class but I noticed him a few times after that, though I changed my seat and never encountered him again. Even worse, I was talking to one of his Russian teammates a few months later and we got in a fight because I was making fun of him for being Russian. In retaliation, he called me a slut, saying I fucked Chimney Rock Dick. Appalled, I was forced to tell him the story and though the Russian was disgusted, we shared a hearty laugh and ended our fight. Another beautiful story of friendship as a result of Chimney Rock, though this one is a never a destination one shoots for.


  1. more like chimney cock. this is hilarious BTW

  2. ahhh so much more clever! and thanks shawn!