Wednesday, May 19, 2010

When Eels Attack

One of my infrequent readers is complaining that my stories are too long for him. He's a lazy, smug, bastard and I will have my bloggers revenge. Regardless, I'll try to throw a short story in here and there.

It was a wintry night in the University Heights neighborhood of Buffalo and to combat the cold my friends and I went to 3rd Base, a local dive bar, for Flip Night (bartender flips a quarter which decides if your drink is free). As was standard at the time, fun-loathing C had decided to skip out on the night but said we would hang out after.

Countless hours and drinks later, I drunkenly determined it was time to remove myself from the bar and called C to come pick me up (drunk me accurately realized that I would not survive the 7 minute walk). Seconds later, I was tired of waiting and began walking home, passing the neighborhood community center. As I stumbled by it, I noticed a large man wearing a trench coat facing the building and heard the familiar sounds of urine on brick. Perturbed, I yelled, "Ew, are you peeing?" He turned and said, "Yeah, would you like to help?" Before I could politely refuse his request, he pulled a 180, revealing he was stark naked under his trench. Then he presented his gigantic, soft, baby eel-like dick on a hand platter.

Shocked and disgusted, I cried out, "Oh my God, it's uncircumcized!" I blindly ran from the barbaric scene, meeting C moments later upon which I promptly bitched him out for letting this happen to me. C does not take a verbal lashing without a fight and yelled at me, the victim. He's one of the leading reasons women don't report sexual assaults.

Anyway, as per my mommy's suggestions, I didn't want to make this another racist rant so I'll just mention now the guy was black. This is solely so you can picture just how menacing his junk really was.

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