Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Race Relations

This weekend, Boyfriend and I were at a bar (Sidetracks in Sunnyside, Queens), having a conversation with a Jesuit! Seriously, I thought these people didn't even exist. I was being standard ridiculous, making jokes about sex and my cleavage, when BF and I decided to have a conversation about tax reform.

Me: "New York State should just legalize marijuana and take the tax money. You think with a black governor he would have already legalized it!"
BF: "You think marijuana would really help with his eye condition!"

(BF and I share hearty laugh)

Me: "Sorry, this is really offensive and racist. Usually we do this behind closed doors."
Jesuit: "Uh, yeah...I have to (puts drink down and looks around frantically) do...something...else."

She's just lucky I didn't instigate (atheist) BF about religion. THAT would have been hilarious.

Later, we met up with Slaw in the East Village and realized the bar we were planning on going to didn't take cards so we ducked into this other random bar on 7th St. We perched up at the bar and everything was fine until Slaw noticed that there were a lot of Asians at the bar. Then BF noticed that EVERYONE (except us) was Asian. It was the first time I had every experienced this phenomenon but since they are a mild people, I wasn't scared.

Still later, BF went to the bathroom. A few minutes into his trip, I received a distressed phone call from him. Apparently, he had gotten himself trapped in the bathroom. I walked over and started banging on the door, desperately trying to save my boyfriend. I noticed the door was missing its knob and I called over some Asians for help. One of them started hitting on me until another one informed him that my boyfriend was on the other side of the door, after which my potential paramour slanted his eyes in disgust (or was that just his face?) and walked away. BF grew more frantic as I considered leaving him for the clearly more intelligent people who were not currently corralled in a bar bathroom.

Finally, an Asian appeared out of nowhere with the outside knob, saving the day. We were dealing with one of those old school doors that have two knobs, connected by a shaft, and they are much easier to work when you have both knobs. I instructed BF on how to escape (using all sorts of fun phrases like: slowly put your shaft in the hole, now turn your knob until you feel it click) (actually, I'm not sure if that second one is a double entendre) until finally he broke free, amidst a sea of Oriental cheers. It looked like the end of a Pokemon movie.

BF was not happy, however. He demanded that we leave immediately and the whole cab ride home complained about how the Asians had raged a mini racewar on the white man. When I explained that I didn't think that's what happened he said, "I just think it is a little suspicious that the ONLY white guy in the bar is also the one that got trapped in the bathroom." Knowing the Asian proclivity for intelligence (thus preventing them from locking themselves in rooms), it's not that surprising, but I eventually stopped arguing and let him harbor his theories. To this day (a full four days later!) he still believes he was passive aggressively attacked by the East.

Oh, I also got BF to do karaoke with me (it's amazing what a pair of sad eyes can accomplish). We sang "Buttercup" by the Temptations. Anyone who knows BF knows how impressive this feat was on my behalf. Anyone who doesn't should appreciate making someone who is nearly incapable of even holding standard conversation, for fear of embarrassing himself, get up and sing in front of people. Because he reads this crappy blog and I don't want to discourage him from future duets (I have dreams of performing "I Got You Babe," and "Love Lift Us Up"), I won't detail how hilarious it was. But it really, really was.

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