Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Dish Best Served Drunk

I love revenge. Passionately. I'm shitty at devising my own plans of revenge; none of them compare to the ultimate venge-master Eric Cartman. My plans are either ridiculously lame (putting something sticky on a bedroom knob, wait 'til they put their hands on that!) or extremely wrong...like sleeping with someone's boyfriend to show them what's up. That always works well and rarely has repercussions.

Once, I had to show MY boyfriend what was up. I was a Sophomore in college, freshly out of the dorms and starting my new life off campus. It was filled with drinking, outrageous girl drama, and attic-dwelling squirrels. Best year ever.

Anyway, this time was a particularly tumultuous period in my love life. My soul mate of five months, C, and I had just gotten back together after a month long hiatus. It was a reconciliation forced by a snowstorm, a subsequent blackout and a trip to his parents where his family fawned over my flawless skin and lengthy phalanges. Everything felt like we should get back together but our thoughts were muddled, likely from the copious amounts of Keystone consumed during the blackout.

Perhaps the reconciliation would have worked out if C hadn't clearly been crushing on my Muslim (yes this is relevant) best friend, Slaw. He didn't even try to hide it. Anytime she would speak he was suddenly rapt, laughter leaping from his throat when she made the slightest joke. His eyes literally lit up. I did not hide my disgust and, instead, encouraged him to sleep with her to get it out of his system. He could never seal the deal, not that she would ever do it (sober). We did, however, make an agreement that we should be allowed to make out with other people. There were three rules: the other person could not be someone we knew, the other one of us could not be present while the infraction occurred and the infractor had to be drunk.

Luckily for me, Halloween, the perfect holiday for a drunken anonymous make out, was coming up. I announced to my roommates that I had created the perfect scheme to make C jealous and to bring him to the realization that I am the only one for him. We were all going to a party (at Rachel Vertino's house, interestingly) but C was going to be late. To get my revenge, while not breaking any rules, I planned to find some random hottie at the party, get wasted, and make out with him right as C was walking in. Flawless. I originally planned on dressing up as a cavewoman but to make sure my plan was executed in a timely manner, I changed my outfit to coke whore. I picked out my sluttiest bra, wore it outside of a nothing-there tank top, put on a short skirt and stripper heels. I washed my hair but didn't style it at all, always appropriately horrifying, and smeared lipstick around my mouth. To top it all off, I wore a cardboard sign around my neck that read "WILL BLOW FOR COKE."

The outfit was a hit but the party was brightly lit and it was before midnight, not the ideal conditions for scoring a random make out. I focused on getting wasted so I could be ready if an opportunity presented itself. C came to the party (dressed as a basketball hoop with speakers, not a practical "outfit" for a crowded party) and I still had not arranged a make out. Everything with us seemed to be fine at first but then it became clear that he was flirting with Slaw (practically dressed as a terrorist). Since, I was about ten chousand beers and jell-o shots deep, I was extra furious and ready to creep. I went into the adjacent room, flirted lightly with this 6'3 guy, J, that I had met once (at C's place) and then started making out. At least, this is how I remember it, I was pretty intoxicated. Fortunately, this was in front of C's roommate and he started yelling at the guy, "What are you doing?!?! That's C's girlfriend!!" My tall drink of water was seemingly shocked by this news and started protesting that he had no idea. I drunkenly slurred, "S'Ok, I'mallowed. Chris shaid so! I'll tell him right now!"

So I did. My stripper heels and I stomped to the other room, walked right up to C and Slaw and declared, "I just made out with J!" His jaw literally dropped. I can't remember what he said but it was definitely angry and I tried to defend myself using the rules and he yelled that I had broken two of them. I slurred that I had done it for us, to strengthen our relationship.Then I ran. I ran multiple blocks in one of the most ghetto areas in Buffalo, wearing next to nothing, chased by my angry boyfriend. Come to think of it, that's a pretty typical scene for Buffalo ghettos.

We fought that night and passed out; me alone in my bed and he on my love seat, using the cushions as covers. I don't remember much of it. What I do remember is that a few weeks later we were back together. Any indications of his flirtation with Slaw were gone. He mentioned that his inspiration for reconciliation was tied to my make out and the fact that he realized that I was the only one for him. Ladies, the moral of this story is this revenge works. You want your man back? Just wear something slutty, find a mutual friend, get your tongue on, and then brag to your scorned boyfriend. Men find it irresistible.

1 comment: