Wednesday, April 21, 2010

This is Not What I AIMed For

I am a stalker. I've been stalking since before Facebook made it easy. I was even stalking in first grade, casually walking by the desks of my crushes when they were talking to girls other than me. Thanks to all these years of stalking I have become a master. It doesn't hurt that I am a skilled password cracker (or that people are pretty simple with their passwords). Even masters encounter follies, however, and I have certainly had mine, mostly on the former chat giant AIM.

To give a bit of background, AIM had a flaw that allowed two people to be signed onto one screen name at once. They rectified this to some extent by allowing you to sign off the second location by sending 1 to a warning message but many ignore this message. Before this correction, I lived in my glory of being able to sign on simultaneously with the victim of my stalking.

One particular victim was a former flame of mine whom I could never get to commit to me but still I hooked up with him for years (go ahead, judge me, whateva). To find out his other going-ons, I signed on to his SN basically everyday. The benefit of this is that I can see anything someone else is saying to him but the drawback is I can't see what he replies. This can lead to some pretty absurd inferences but also some extremely useful stalking info.

As time went on, I wouldn't even wait for him to sign on his screenname and would just sign onto it alone. To be certain I would fool anyone I messaged I made my font, background and info identical to the one on his computer (I am mildly crazy, I'll admit). Then I went to town.

One time, on a solo session on his SN, a girl (made obvious by a super girly sn like flowrqtdncer) instant messaged him. Although the chatting started out innocently enough this girl seemed to be hinting at flirting. I decided it was time to do some recon.

I started by asking her what she was wearing in order to set the mood for what was coming. Then I became a little more explicit. Asking if she was interested in having some fun (enter wink emoticon here) was the lighter end of it. Although I never flat out asked her if we hooked up, I did ask her if she wanted to spend some alone time next time we saw each other. She casually agreed and said that would be cool. Then I asked her if she ever wondered what it would be like if we made out. It was then that she decided to say "why are you being so weird? We're cousins!!" Clearly this information would have been welcomed at the beginning of the conversation but alas, the damage was done. I quickly apologized and made an excuse along the lines of, "I meant have you ever wondered what it would be like to make out with OTHER people while we're hanging out." Then I vowed to never IM anyone on his SN again.

Until it became clear that he was having a little something on the side with a pseudo arch nemesis of mine. Of course I HAD to find out the extent of their relationship and instead of confronting him like a normal person (in my defense that would probably be fruitless) I decided it was time to whip out the old skillz and get to the bottom of this.

It was excellent. I ascertained that they had recently made out at a party and that she was definitely interested in doing more. Eventually she ended the conversation and since I felt I had pushed my luck enough I signed off his SN and proceeded to copy and paste the convo (from my own screenname, which was definitely not a play on Spongebob's name) to my golden haired girl friend, another enemy of the slutti girl who I had messaged from boytoy's.

Sometime between the moment that I finished copying the convo and the moment that I hit send, the REAL boytoy had signed on and messaged me. I was so busy getting ready to dish the news to my flaxen friend, I didn't notice this new message. Thus, I accidentally pasted my conversation with "him" and his newest hook up into his messaging box and sent it to REAL boytoy, instead of blondie.

Confusion ensued on his end. Sheer horror on mine. After minutes of agony during which he surely read through the conversation he finally replied, "what is this?" Since I am not super clever on my AIM feet, I replied, "I don't know. YOU sent it to ME." Luckily he was not clever at all and said, "Oh weird, I don't even know what that is." Then I proceeded to get angry at him for the convo and he told me he thought someone hacked into his account and they were making that up. Since it was a fair defense, I dropped the subject and thanked my lucky stars I happened to be interested in the dumbest person I knew.

My last story of awkward AIM encounters with men doesn't involve stalking but is horrible and awkward nonetheless. When I was a freshman in high school, my best friend and I decided to make a screen name with her last name to pretend to be her dad. It was basically MrSmithDad, but with her real last name. Then we proceeded to harass and threaten all of our guy friends for being interested in his daughter. It was HILARIOUS. While most of them assumed it was fake, some of them really freaked out, leading to extreme laughter pains. It was all good until her dad came downstairs (we were in the basement! Our plan should have been safe from parental ears!) and said, " Girls, YOU CANNOT BE THREATENING BOYS PRETENDING TO BE ME!!! Get off that now!" At which point we both wet ourselves from terror and embarrassment and vowed never to use that screenname again. Until he wasn't home one day when we used it for good to find out if a guy WAS interested in her (I shouldn't need to mention here that guys do not divulge that info to a girl's dad via AIM).

Okay, to be honest there is one more stalking AIM story involving an accidental messaging of an ex's new girlfriend but that is a story for another time...

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha omg I think I know who each person in this story you are referring too!/ I think I remember when you guys did that with the dad's screen name!