Thursday, April 8, 2010

How to Deprave a Life

I like to think I haven't ruined very many lives, but I guess you can never really know unless confronted by someone you've destroyed. That being said, there is one life I am certain I ruined and, as a bonus, I got to see the downfall as well!

My senior year of high school, I went to the state swimming competition with a select number of girls. One of them happened to be a very promising young swimmer whom I'll call Jazmine. Jazmine was a freshman, had an affinity for Slim Jims (seriously, she brought an entire Sam's Club box and ate them constantly) and had a promising academic career ahead of her. She also happened to be a virgin.

In general, I find virgins offensive. I can't respect anyone who doesn't respect their body enough to have sex with it. Of course, I usually give high schoolers the benefit of the doubt and reserve judgment, for obvious reasons.

Back then, though, I decided that it was imperative to impart my (far too) extensive sexual knowledge on this poor innocent girl. Really raunchy stuff. Different positions, tips, graphic demonstrations, etc. I was basically a walking, talking, pseudo-fornicating, Hustler magazine, hell bent on recruiting more customers.

That wasn't even enough. I told her to never let someone judge you for being slutty because, as long as you're safe, there's nothing wrong with it. I made sure she knew that sex was probably the best thing in the world and you can never start too early so you can get as much practice as possible.

But that wasn't enough either. I shared stories of dazzling drunken nights and the massive amounts of fun that can be had during them. My teammates supported all these stories with their own, building the glamour that is the life of a drunken high school slut. It didn't help that HBO happened to be running a marathon of Pornucopia to further emphasize the glory of sex.

I left that weekend not thinking too much about my actions (as usual) until two weeks later. Jazmine came up to me during school and excitedly told me she had lost her virginity. That morning. Apparently, some guy started talking her up on AIM and invited her to come over before school. She left her house at seven, met up with him, one thing led to another and she was deflowered before I had even left dreamland.

Since I am a hypocrite, I shared my disbelief and let her know she should really have more respect for herself and only have sex when wasted and during the night. She followed my advice and I watched her quit swimming, get fat and get varied facial piercings. I saw her wasted at parties, hanging out with sketch balls, and buying cigarettes. But worst of all, I saw her get stuck in my hometown and go to the local community college. I don't know if she used that as a jumping point to go to regular college but I'm hoping she cleaned up her act, for the sakes of both of our souls.

I did notice that she defriended me on Facebook so actually I think that officially relieves me of any guilt. Besides I can't help it if that skank doesn't know where to draw the drunken line! If I hadn't already saved all of my virgin friends already, I would definitely do it again.


  1. OMGGG that is awful! You are to blame for her downward spiral!

  2. in my defense, lena is also to blame. she was there too!