Sunday, April 4, 2010


I don't know how often other people encounter this, but I often find myself defriended on Facebook. Sometimes I've earned the slashing but more often than not I am just confused. Initially I was embarrassed by this victimization. The feeling after noticing a defriending is similar to that feeling you get as a kid and you've just peed your pants in public. Shame, disbelief followed by the judgment of your drier peers.

But mostly I am confused as to how I've become the target of multiple defriendings. Besides my frequently offensive/racist status updates, penchant for mocking strangers and friends, and general baseless cockiness, I am a good person who anyone should enjoy being around.

Granted, I've had multiple close friendships that have crashed and burned horribly due to circumstances that have nothing to do with anything that I've ever done. It's probably not related to the fact that I have a tendency to participate in completely selfish acts that solely further my own interests. Or that I learned from my mother that you should never apologize.

Regardless of the reasoning, getting defriended is a very real part of my facebook life and thus I had to devise a system to combat it. Now I issue preemptive strikes, removing people for reasons varying between reasonable and ridiculous:

  1. We're not actually friends. I've learned that law enforcement officials create fake accounts to stalk people. I don't need to be watching my FB for illegal activities.
  2. Friend is too boring. I can't stand when people don't update their facebooks or lead exciting lives. Dragging me down!
  3. Friend is crazy. Suicidal updates, overly romantic updates, etc. It should be noted that there is a thin line where I will actually start to stalk someone more for this.
  4. Friend suggests I become a fan of something. This is grounds for instant defriending. I do not want to be a fan of "First 100,000 people to join get a free iPad! This really works!!!!!" or "okkkkkk mommmmmm." I most certainly don't want to become a fan of your shitty, DMB-imitation band.

Finally, a list of people who defriended me and my theories as to why they did:

  1. Brandon G: Gay male. Gay men seem to hate me. I suspect this has to do with my lack of fabulousness and general awkwardness.
  2. Kelsey K: Basically a gay male in a body shaped like that of a female midget. See reason one.
  3. Kelsey Adams: Close friend of an ex-best friend forever (bff). Probably defriended me as a show of support for said BFF. Also happens to be a total slut who openly cheated on her boyfriend.
  4. Tony L: Similar to reason above. Creepiest black guy I've ever met, which is saying a lot.
  5. Rachel V: I honestly have no idea about this one. She was outrageously crazy and clingy, though. She once invited us over to her house during a black out, against her parents wishes. When they came home she instantly started flipping out on them for being mad at her. I mean like swear words, personal insults, straight up insane shit. I siddled out, covering my face in shame. She also was over heard asking a one night stand "Why won't you hold me?" in the morning. This was after requesting he choke her the night before, during relations.
  6. Sara Blake: Happened to be in the BizCalc class that I skipped regularly. Only showed up on test days and attempted to cheat off her. Understandable defriending.

And these are only the people who I can remember. There have also been some who defriended me and I had the audacity to refriend upon realization. Maybe I'll be less offensive with my online status updates. Maybe I'll try to be a nice person in general. Most likely I will cry into my mother's ample bosom as she tells me, "If these people can't be your friend on Facebook, they don't deserve to be your friend anyway!"

Edit: One of the defrienders messaged me on Facebook and requested I remove her. Interesting since I thought I had set it up so only friends could message me. Damn Facebook's new privacy settings. When Googling her name, this blog was the first result, right above her wedding website. Her message read:

Whatever you like to do in your free time is totally up to you, but I would really appreciate it if you would take my name out of your blog and never have it enter one again. Also, in the future, if you are going to try to insult someone you might want to have your information straight. I wasn't 19 when I had my daughter, just so you know.

Thanks for removing it,

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