Monday, March 29, 2010

Bexxxtacy's Rules of Traveling in the New York City Metro System

I know I talked this blog up like I was going to be all up on it. And I want to be but I have all sorts of excuses that I won't bother you with so instead I am just going to make amends. To ease you in, I have started with the simple rules of MTA subway travel. These are completely necessary rules that you think you wouldn't have to share but people are retarded and clearly need to know. I am debating whether or not I should print these out and distribute it in the subway.

  1. It is okay to use the left lane of a staircase (normally reserved for those going in the opposite direction) if you are speedy. Treat it like you are driving on a two-lane road and you are passing someone on a dashed yellow line. You wouldn't do that if you wanted to slowly pass, right? No, because that's how people die. So if you are elderly, disabled, wearing heels, texting or otherwise moving slowly stay the fuck away from the left side
  2. Lose weight. Or ride during non-peak hours if this is not an option for your space-hogging, three-seat ass.
  3. Men: Close your god damn legs when sitting down. Your balls are not so big that you must strain to keep your legs as wide as possible.
  4. Pregnant women: Make it painfully obvious that you are pregnant. Nothing is more awkward than offering a woman your seat only to find she is simply unfortunately shaped.
  5. Do something to placate your screaming baby. You are already taking up too much room with your oversize stroller in a city not designed for children. Do not make it worse by completely ignoring your child while they scream like they are having hot acid poured on their face.
  6. Youths: Shut the fuck up. Your ears are young so you should not need to communicate by screaming. Especially not at 7:30 AM.
  7. Please, please, PLEASE do not play rap music on your cell phone on the subway. It doesn’t even sound good! Plus it’s against the rules. Since I’ve had a terrifying experience after politely asking someone to stop doing this, I now fear doing it in person. So please, just follow the rules and don’t do it.
  8. In connection with 7, do not sing out loud on the subway while listening to your mp3 player. Now you can’t hear how horrible you sound but everyone else can and we all hate you for it.

Eight simple rules for riding the subway, wouldn’t it be nice if everyone could follow them?

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